You'll never know that
I had been telling stories
For a long, long time.
Mine began with: I never
Thought my passion blossomed
As a great big something...
A great big something
That I thought was a dream
To everyone else like me.
Dreams were for little ones,
I was told time and again.
Nothing to get off the ground.
But I made up my mind.
Dreams were for grown-ups.
It was not too late for us.
The journey was unique.
I wanted so badly to make it.
I did everything right...
But nothing helped me.
My support waned and
I felt like a manipulator...
Twisting your words and
Giving no quarter to excuses.
I had been there for you.
There was empty air.
The halls echoed silence.
And so, I had to learn...
I had to be there for myself.
Control had always been mine.
I had to let go of limp hands.
And, I plead with you...
To understand this hole,
For you are close to that edge too.
I wish that you'll never know the pain
That comes with no food and
Begging for one more day to pay.
There had the complications
Telling a different world
That something was broken inside.
There were always the tears
And words said in anger.
It was a sickness of the heart.
Everything spun out of control.
To the outside world,
It was the eye of the storm.
In the midst of self-discovery,
One comes to the point of
Feeling everything all at once.
And that is complicated.
There were two forks
Before me, with easy choices.
Both were long roads.
Both would cause pain.
Only one would turn me away...
From self-destruction
And dark empathy, with
No boundaries and second chances.
It was seeped deeply inside.
It bled through every pore.
The soul was black behind the sun.
It had been injected and shot.
It had been strangled and hung,
Reminded of old pains.
All of this time,
The story will forever be etched,
Right where you can see...
Right where you can taunt
And mock and shame these
Many bad habits.
All of this time, I spoke loudly.
But you'll never know that.
You watched me drown.
~Sara Ellie MacKenzie
c. 2025
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