Why is it hard to believe that someone is abusive?
That's a tough question to answer.
Let's put the false claims aside for a moment. Some people look at society and judge based on looks, actions, etc. A normal person with a cup of coffee, waiting for the bus, looks nice and normal. So does the old lady with the cart. On the other hand, it's easy for a hospital to dismiss someone with no obvious symptoms...denounce the person who cried rape...or talk disrespectfully about a co-worker who is strange.
Society has a strict set of guidelines on what is normal and what is not. For centuries, this has changed depending on the era. One of them was the effects of trauma. My very first book published addresses abuse head-on.
Yes, Casting Shadows was not my first book.
It was A World So Bright and Dark, and it came out on Amazon in October 2019.
Other than handing out copies, I paid to have the book reviewed by Online Book Club. Grammar errors aside (a lot of which I did on purpose, to be fair), the things said were absolutely nasty, mostly stating that they were unable to believe that someone could experience such indifference. While it initially hurt, it also allowed me to understand another viewpoint: that some did not live in the same world I did. They did not understand, or they could not comprehend, such horrors and quickly dismissed it.
Well, damn!
I am still proud of publishing my first book. I had spent years editing it, taking out the copyrighted material, making it flow, anything to make it realistic for the reader without getting too personal. This was written post 9/11 and just as the Iraq War was beginning, so I kept the voice from the original material and added some symbolism to make it more relevant. I changed names, places and events, sometimes adding something that happened in high school versus middle school.
But the critics were loud...
And there it is - questioning if fiction could be real enough for a reader.
Somebody can't possibly call someone their friend if they are mean.
There is no joy in the book, like the title suggests.
Trauma does not discriminate. If someone was nice to you, you would be picking up the crumbs, especially if you are receiving nothing at home. You would be nice to them and have an image of what the relationship should look like. You would call it good enough. Then, you add autism and the need for stability in the chaos, and you have a recipe for disaster.
It's a girl who did not know her own worth and tried harder and harder to make it work.
But I digress.
I have learned throughout my life that anything can happen, even freak accidents. Living with narcissistic abuse, you see and hear things that you swore someone would not do...but they did anyway. Nobody was liable to believe you because they did x, y and z thing and it's good for everyone else. It makes you question who you are and why you are maligning someone who is cherished in your family and in the community. It forces you to uphold the image and forever denounce yourself.
Where do you draw the line?
Well, it is ingrained in us to believe the best in everyone, and we should still. We view humanity with the capability to make mistakes, but never enough to be that criminal. Even though a person might donate to a lot of charities or be a good community member, they are still a bad person if they abused others continuously, without regret and the will to improve.
I said what I said.
You cannot change my mind on this.
The worst trauma comes after the ordeal is over, when you are far away from the family, friends and community. You are telling your story to someone else you thought was a friend, and they offer nothing more than reassurances that it was not true, or as bad as we said it was. Your story is disbelieved and you find yourself in the same situation you were in before.
Most of society will blame you for the troubles and will side with the abuser.
Simple as that.
To this, I say: it is unfair and disrespectful that you were not believed. I believe you. I hope you are able to find safety again in the arms of someone who has the empathy.
Life is stranger than fiction, everyone. This is how authors are inspired. Believe us.
Oh, and have some empathy, but take no shit too.
Namaste! Have a great day!
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