This is a tough subject. People are usually divided on what is defined as standing your ground and when someone is being an obnoxious pain. When you have been traumatized as a child, this is more difficult to articulate. The journey of almost every chronic illness sufferer has been filled with gaslighting and tears.
Mine began when I was young. Many often associate trauma to chronic pain, and I am an example of this. I remembered being a child and forced to work long hours, cleaning. Once, the basement had a small flood and I was assigned to use the Wet Vac. The low bending and body movement caused me extreme pain.
At the time, I was eight years old.
Yes, I was considered overweight in my parents' eyes. Yes, I always ate right and exercised regularly. I was also assigned most of the housework. We had a lot of animals in the house at the time, and it took a lot to clean up after them.
The first accusation out of my father's mouth was that I was faking it because I was fat and tired and trying to get out of the chore. I know that I was trying hard not to cry. It was a rule growing up, that we were not allowed to cry. Yes, it brought us weird looks at school.
That little eight year old was not believed until she was on the floor, sobbing. Even then, she was watched carefully, to see if she slipped. She tried not to make a big deal out of it. Dad had larger issues with his construction accident injuries, I reasoned to myself.
Except that thinking is wrong.
By putting myself last, I learned not to stand up for myself. Told myself for years that others had it worse than I did. As I got older, I learned that I had to teach my son that he had to take care of himself. That meant that I too had to stop avoiding my problems and take care of that little girl who was left so small.
Thus began almost a year of being transferred from one office to another, just to be told it was all in my head.
My personal journey is not about calling out the doctors and their assistants for not understanding me or even listening to me. It's about how professionals respond to patients countering their results. It's the diagnosis at first glance, without asking how and why. It's about putting every person into the same box when most of us can't even fit inside.
Ultimately, this is what I was told: the pain was all in my head, despite lab results and the MRI.
Using another facility did not help much either. Most doctors look over the notes of the previous ones and cancel appointments. I cried over the phone many times, begging to keep appointments because new symptoms came up, or I had questions to ask. I pleaded not to be sent someplace where I was going to treated like an overweight diabetic who faked her illnesses, which I was not. Yes, I'll take responsibility for my weight, but the rest did not apply.
Nobody understands that trauma can make you needy. That rejection hurts more than anything else. And you get mean...REALLY MEAN...when you 1st stand up for yourself. It surprises people and makes them believe you are a troublemaker. You can explain how trauma affects you, but none of them think with empathy. When they see trouble, they want you out.
THAT is what makes chronic illness patients so difficult to work with.
Yes, I did manage to find the help I needed. I had to do the legwork because my GP had no idea what to do (no joke). Mostly, I am doing ok. I am still working through my boundaries and how to address my problems (because I possess a lack of social skill). I am still working through the endless weight of pain, disappointment and sadness.
It's a heavy weight, much more than I realized.
Like any other chronic illness, it is 1 step at a time. With a lot of time alone, I can contemplate these feelings and sort through how I need to express myself. Frustration and impatience are weaknesses and do not serve what I need.
And honesty is best when standing your ground.
Namaste, everyone! Have a great day!
Comments