Well, isn't this an eye-catching topic? Talking about the life I have with my husband, a man I have been with since 2008? Everybody with a partner has their pathway. They walk it differently than most.
This is what I have learned as a wife.
You are living with your best friend, however that arrangement is. You gotta check on each other, almost like a buddy system. Every couple has diverse needs, and we are no different. We are part of the rare breed of parents without hands-on help and absolute dismissal of our needs. That's tough.
The biggest lesson we are learning is communication and the ability to not just hear, but listen.
Without it, there is no trust and respect. When you have experienced trauma and had no model of affective communication and listening, the suspicions run deeper than people believe. You are fearful and resentful. Sometimes, you don't even know why you are mad, and you are just arguing for the sake of arguing. That's an addiction.
Not to mention, you are used to being a burden and dismissed. You are not used to speaking up and advocating for yourself. And when you do, it sounds rude and pushy. It makes you go back to the beginning, to your family of origin, when you felt so small telling your parents that you needed something, but were afraid to because you knew it would cause trouble.
That is wrong on all levels.
Being neurodivergent, I am blunt. I often say things out loud that are sometimes inappropriate (nothing racist or anything, just mic drop statements or disproving positive toxicity). Like a lot of people, I dump things at the wrong time and pick the wrong hill to die on. My mind jumps from one random topic to the next, and nobody knows the connections except for me, and I have to explain it. I call it my "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon", after a game I played in high school. It makes me sit down and work out my thought process.
I swear, if I did not explain it all to my husband, he would have left me a long time ago. He also claims that I am part of the reason why he is losing his hair. But he was losing his hair long before we started dating, but I am not reminding him of that...
Like most couples, we argue over the silliest things. Make meals for each other (because we know that as a language of love). Sometimes, focus on Calvin so that the other could sleep, work, etc. Making plans for the day-to-day that make the days feel long, but the years are short.
When you love each other, you have to look out for yourself and your partner. Sometimes, though, circumstances change, and the plans you had when you were twenty-five are not the same as when you are forty-five. You do not need to stay where you are not heard, appreciated and held in the highest regard. And for a lot of us, that is the hardest thing we are going to do in our lives.
I hope this helps and validates some of your feelings.
Namaste, everyone! Have a wonderful day, and stay warm!